1
00:00:03,378 --> 00:00:06,840
[**]

2
00:00:06,881 --> 00:00:09,759
CARRIE [GROANS]:
It wasn't supposed
to rain today.

3
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,177
Damn Al Roker!

4
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:13,054
Hurry up and open the door,
I'm getting soaked.

5
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,932
I can't get at the keys!
[SCOFFS]

6
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,018
Here, I'll get 'em.
Hold these.

7
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,769
Ow! Easy, that's
a soda bag.

8
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,354
Oh, sorry.

9
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,773
Oh, yeah, Mamma Leone,

10
00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:26,067
someone wants a big slice
of big Dougie pie!

11
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:28,111
Hey, would you shut up!

12
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:30,488
What are you doing
with all these keys?!

13
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:33,033
What are you, Schneider?
Which one's the house key?

14
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:34,492
Right-- You just passed it,
right there!

15
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,703
CARRIE: Find the key
and open the damn door!

16
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,413
DOUG: Fine! I just gotta
put the bags down!

17
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,206
CARRIE: All right, but don't
put the bags in the puddle!

18
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,042
DOUG:
It's all puddles!

19
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:45,462
Heh, crazy kids.

20
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:48,923
<i>* My eyes</i>
<i>are gettin' weary *</i>

21
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,092
<i>* My back is gettin' tight *</i>

22
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,802
<i>* I'm sittin' here</i>
<i>in traffic *</i>

23
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:55,722
<i>* On the Queensboro Bridge</i>
<i>tonight *</i>

24
00:00:55,764 --> 00:01:01,394
<i>* But I don't care,</i>
<i>'cause all I want to do *</i>

25
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:05,857
<i>* Is cash my check and drive</i>
<i>right home to you *</i>

26
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,735
<i>* 'Cause, baby,</i>
<i>all my life *</i>

27
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:12,489
<i>* I will be drivin' home</i>
<i>to you *</i>

28
00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:24,834
OK, got some chicken,
got some potatoes.

29
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:28,630
Hey, hey.
OK, watch the finger!

30
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,425
Hey, don't mean to interrupt
Animal Planet,

31
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,636
but how was everyone's day?

32
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,262
Anything to say?

33
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:38,139
Anyone?

34
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,433
Can you believe
that news about
the vice president?

35
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,518
What news?

36
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,937
What news?
He resigned today.

37
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:44,771
Who did?

38
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,606
Al Gore,
the vice president.

39
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,525
What, do you live
in a cave?

40
00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,236
No, I do not live
in a cave,

41
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,570
and Al Gore
did not resign.

42
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,656
He absolutely did!

43
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:56,574
Doug?

44
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,827
I don't know.

45
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:00,829
It was right
on the front page

46
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,205
of today's paper.
I'll show ya.

47
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,665
Dad, if Gore resigned,

48
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:04,833
how come there was
nothing about it

49
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,292
on the news
or on the radio?

50
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:09,087
Maybe this man
had a scoop.

51
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,297
Oh, by the way,
Marc and Abby called,

52
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,591
they want to know
if we want to do
Benihana Saturday night.

53
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,135
Oh, yeah,
I like that place.

54
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,887
Better than goin' to that
stupid IPS Banquet anyway.

55
00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,597
The company's
havin' a banquet?

56
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,016
Yeah, but we don't have to go.
Let's do Benihana.

57
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:24,144
Oh, I hope we get Aiko.
Last time we had Lenny.

58
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,647
I can't find
the front section.

59
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:28,857
Would you
forget about it?

60
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,358
It's probably
in the garbage.

61
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,153
Thank you.

62
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:35,363
So what's the banquet for?

63
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,948
Dad, get out of the garbage.

64
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,492
Oh, let him go.
Maybe he'll fall in.

65
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,453
So what's
the banquet for?

66
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,038
Oh. It's just
for Les Fisker.

67
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,748
He's been with the company
like 20 years or somethin'.

68
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:45,957
Who's Les Fisker?

69
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,625
There's still tuna
in this can.

70
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,253
Do we own a diamond mine
I don't know about?

71
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,798
Who's Les Fisker?
He's my boss.

72
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,216
I thought O'Boyle
was your boss.

73
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:56,343
O'Boyle's
just my supervisor.

74
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,011
Fisker runs
the whole place.

75
00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,013
OK, then, don't you
think you should go?

76
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,806
Why? He doesn't
even know me?

77
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,600
What do you mean,
he doesn't know you?

78
00:03:03,641 --> 00:03:04,559
He doesn't know me.

79
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:05,560
He doesn't know you?!

80
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,229
He no know Dougie.

81
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,025
Ah-ha! "Gore resigns...

82
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:15,111
himself
to wooden image."

83
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,906
Well, this is obviously
the wrong newspaper.

84
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,325
So, Doug...
Ya?

85
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,451
I think we should go

86
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,078
to the banquet
on Saturday night.

87
00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:23,912
Why?

88
00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:25,121
Why? Because
he's your boss.

89
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,081
This is a perfect chance

90
00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:27,916
for you to get
some brownie points.

91
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,751
You know, stand out
from the pack
a little bit.

92
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,002
Oh. All right,
all right.

93
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,921
Now I see how
we got off track here.

94
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:35,507
See, you want me
to stand out from the pack,

95
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:38,343
whereas I want to remain
hidden and obscured

96
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,387
by that very same pack.

97
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,640
Carrie,
it's how I survive.

98
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,766
All right?

99
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:45,934
Staying nameless
and faceless.

100
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,436
Not too good,
not too bad.

101
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,106
Right on the cutting edge
of mediocre.

102
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,942
Doug, I think
you're being ridiculous.

103
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,153
Oh, you just want him
to kiss a little heinie.

104
00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:00,281
Sure, you get
the big promotion,

105
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,783
but you lose your soul.

106
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,535
OK, bubby,
just eat your dinner.

107
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,953
In all the jobs
I ever had,

108
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,455
I never kowtowed
to the bosses.

109
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,791
I spoke my mind!

110
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,459
Which is why you have
no pension, no benefits,

111
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,837
and you live
in our basement.

112
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:18,425
You really swung from
the heels on that one,
didn't ya?

113
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,010
Doug...

114
00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:21,011
Fine. You know?
OK, fine.

115
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,637
We will go
to the banquet. OK?

116
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,724
Way to go,
sellout!

117
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:32,063
DOUG:
Carrie, I'm leavin'!

118
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,398
Doug, wait.
Wait, wait, wait!

119
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,733
What's up?

120
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:35,817
Sign one of these, OK?
And bring it to your boss.

121
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,652
Sign what?
A card.

122
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,696
You know,
to congratulate him
for his 20 years.

123
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,740
A card? No, no,
that's way over the top.

124
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,950
No, it isn't. Doug,
it's good office politics.

125
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,660
I do it all the time
at work.

126
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:46,953
Really? Is that why
you're on the fast track

127
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,997
to making less coffee
next year?

128
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,708
Sure, take a vicious shot
at me. Very nice.

129
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,668
Come on,
pick one and sign it.

130
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,920
Fine. Why do you
have all these anyway?

131
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,672
Oh, when I see
a card I like,

132
00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,008
I just buy it,
even if I don't need it...

133
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,093
Like what you do
with beef.

134
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,096
OK, how about that one?

135
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,600
Two deer drinking
from a mountain stream.

136
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,061
Um, do you have
anything gayer?

137
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,942
Here. Hunting dogs.
Heterosexual enough for ya?

138
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,903
[SIGHS]
Fine.

139
00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,655
I can't believe it.
First a banquet, now a card.

140
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,157
Who am I?

141
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:27,702
Ooh, I love you,
boss. Mmm!

142
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:31,956
I love you
so much. Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

143
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,585
OK, you know what?
Catchin' a little
Pop-Tart shower there.

144
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:38,088
All right,
let me see. Let me see.

145
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:43,635
"Congratulations.
Doug Heffernan,
driver 622-H7.

146
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,971
Hon, it's a card,
not an invoice.

147
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,265
You know what?
You write it.

148
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,434
OK, I will.

149
00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:00,110
Here.

150
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:05,532
"Congratulations,
I hear you got
20 to life."

151
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,911
What does that mean?

152
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:14,207
20 to life,
like working there's
a prison sentence.

153
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,293
It's funny.

154
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,341
Hey, man.

155
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,509
Hey.

156
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,510
What's the matter?

157
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,054
Man,
got a fugly route today.

158
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,307
They got me goin'
back and forth

159
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:32,934
over the bridge 3 times.

160
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,102
I get winded
peeling an orange.

161
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:36,479
We all have
our crosses to bear.

162
00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:38,565
You ready
to head out?

163
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:39,941
Yeah.
Give me 2 seconds.

164
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,943
I just gotta drop this
by Fisker's office.

165
00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,778
Fisker?
What you got for him?

166
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,739
Oh, it's just
a congratulations card.

167
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,198
You know,
for his 20 years here.

168
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,783
What, didn't you, uh--
Didn't you get him one?

169
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:50,827
Heh. No.

170
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,539
Hey, any of you guys
givin' cards to Fisker?

171
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:57,042
No.
No, not me.
No.

172
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,587
[RING]

173
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:02,839
Mr. Grossman's office.

174
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:05,383
Nobody's givin' cards!

175
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,926
Doug?

176
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,136
None of the other drivers
are doin' anything.

177
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,137
I'm gonna be the only one!

178
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,388
MR. GROSSMAN:
Carrie!

179
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,264
Doug, listen to me.

180
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,932
Everything's
gonna be fine.

181
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,101
Mommy loves you. Now
just give him the card!

182
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,604
MR. GROSSMAN:
Carrie, this was
supposed to be decaf!

183
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,522
Gotta go!

184
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,986
Hi.

185
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,655
Hello. Can I help
you with something?

186
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,784
Uh, yeah, I, uh,
I work here...

187
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:34,662
and, uh, I just wanted
to drop this off
for Mr. Fisker.

188
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:35,914
Oh, what is it?

189
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:37,999
It's just a card
for his 20-year thing.

190
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,834
Oh, how thoughtful.

191
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,336
Actually, he's not busy.

192
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,213
Why don't you just
pop on in and give it
to him personally.

193
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,799
No! No, no.
No, no, that's fine.
I don't want to bother him.

194
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,175
Actually, he's due
at a meeting anyway.

195
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,468
No, no, no, no,
please, don't, please.

196
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,469
You wait right here.

197
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,012
I'm asking.
Please stop walking. No.

198
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,022
Can we go now?

199
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,357
Yeah, just
give me 2 seconds.

200
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,402
I gotta show a urinal cake
who's boss.

201
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,030
Hey, Eddie.

202
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,742
[CHUCKLING]

203
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:16,413
"20 to life," that's...

204
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,081
funny stuff.

205
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,458
Oh, tight squeeze, huh?

206
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,876
Yeah,
I get that a lot.

207
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,712
Heh heh.

208
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,797
DEACON: Doug, let's go!

209
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,257
Are you Doug Heffernan?

210
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,217
No!

211
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:32,387
Did--Did you say
<i>Heffernan?</i>

212
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,263
Yes.

213
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,348
Oh, then,
yes, I am, yes.

214
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,017
Well, I'm--
I'm Les Fisker.

215
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,686
Oh, hi. Hello.

216
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,730
Oh, thank you
for the card.

217
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,107
Oh, you're welcome.
Yes...you are.

218
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,067
20 to life, very clever.

219
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,694
Aw, it just
kinda came to me.

220
00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:50,739
Mmm. You're
in the wrong business.

221
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,157
You should be
writing for Imus.

222
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,076
Oh. Thanks.
Thank you very much.

223
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:57,996
Anyway, it was
very thoughtful.
Thank you again.

224
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,622
No problem.
Well, you take care now.

225
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,833
Yeah. Uh, Doug?
Ya?

226
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,669
How are things goin'
for you guys down here?

227
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:07,422
Oh, uh, you know what?
Everything's been really--

228
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:10,133
[DRYER WHIRRING]
Really good, you know?
Things are goin' good!

229
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,426
People really--

230
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,470
Customers really seem
to enjoy their packages!

231
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,765
Aah! That's kinda hot
when you start dry!

232
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:17,974
[DRYER STOPS]

233
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:19,267
All right, well, you know,
good seeing you.

234
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,436
Doug--Doug!
Crazy thought just hit me.

235
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,438
Yeah.
You know
the company's giving me

236
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,690
this banquet thing
on Saturday.

237
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:26,941
Yeah, uh-huh.

238
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,527
Well, it's gonna be
like a roast, you know?

239
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,112
One of those things
where people get up

240
00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,114
to the microphone
and zing ya.

241
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,492
Ooh, ouch. Heh heh.

242
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,035
Want to roast me?

243
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,287
I'm sorry. What?
Roast me.

244
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,790
You'll represent
the other drivers.

245
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:45,627
And don't hold back,
I think I can
take a joke.

246
00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:48,672
Well, I guess we'll
find out on Saturday, huh?

247
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,590
Ha ha ha ha!

248
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:01,685
Hey, babe.

249
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,019
Hello.

250
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:05,021
Mmm!
I picked up some deli.

251
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,482
Mmm. Deli. Great.

252
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,527
So did you give
Mr. Fisker the card?

253
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,488
Just like
you told me.

254
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,574
And did your world
come crashing down?

255
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,035
Yes, it did.

256
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,581
What do you mean?

257
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,543
Well, it seems
he was so tickled
by your little card

258
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,629
that now I have
to roast the man.
What?

259
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,381
Yeah, I gotta stand in front
of a bunch of people

260
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:33,299
at a banquet
and insult him.

261
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,051
You have
so screwed me up here.

262
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:39,806
So, then he thought my card
was funny, huh?

263
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:40,974
He sure did.

264
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,976
Oh, "20 to life".
That's some big funny.

265
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:45,895
That's Gallagher funny
right there.

266
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,314
Doug, calm down.
This is a good thing.

267
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,733
I mean,
out of all the drivers,

268
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,985
Fisker picked you
to do this.

269
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,236
That means he likes you.

270
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,655
OK, let's review.
Don't want him to like me.

271
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,407
Don't want him
to know me, OK?

272
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:58,908
You made me
kiss his butt,

273
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:02,162
now I'm wearing his ass
as a turban!

274
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,627
Do you still
want deli?

275
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,172
I'm angry, not dead.

276
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,637
<i>He was born and raised</i>
<i>on a farm outside of</i>
<i>Norfolk, Nebraska.</i>

277
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,556
<i>I know</i>
<i>he's a real farm boy,</i>

278
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:25,477
<i>'cause last night</i>
<i>I saw him at the bar</i>
<i>with a couple of pigs.</i>

279
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,811
<i>[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]</i>

280
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,105
All right, Arthur,
this isn't helping
at all.

281
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,190
Are you kidding?

282
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:32,275
These are the classic
celebrity roasts.

283
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,944
You can get
a lot of material.

284
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,654
Unless you think
you have nothing to learn

285
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,616
from Mr. Fred Travalena?

286
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,702
All right, fine.
So show me something
I can use.

287
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,579
<i>[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]</i>
Ooh, ooh...

288
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,414
This is a great bit for you.
Look.

289
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:47,791
<i>Unh!</i>

290
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,334
<i>So you're Muhammad Ali, huh?</i>
<i>That's right.</i>

291
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,170
<i>[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]</i>

292
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:55,548
<i>You don't look like</i>
<i>that much to me!</i>

293
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:58,385
<i>You want to step out</i>
<i>in the alley, Ali?</i>

294
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,179
[LAUGHS]

295
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,889
Huh? Huh? You like?

296
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,308
Okay, a couple
problems here.

297
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,978
First of all, my boss is
not heavyweight champion
of the world,

298
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:12,190
and I am not
the Jeffersons.

299
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,900
So what.
Just tweak it.

300
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,860
Update the references
in your home.

301
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:19,406
Do I have
to spoon-feed this to ya?

302
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,782
Good-bye.

303
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:24,369
Wait. Wait, look!
Foster Brooks.

304
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,663
Use his drunk routine.

305
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:32,210
Hey, Fisker, give me
another martooni.
[HICCUPS]

306
00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:39,718
Ah, I miss the day when
alcoholism was light,
breezy entertainment.

307
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:42,804
Hey.

308
00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,305
You know,
I used to love you.

309
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,559
Now I associate you
with pain.

310
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,645
Haven't written
any jokes yet?

311
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,022
No!
I got so desperate,

312
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,024
I even turned
to Mini-Me out there.

313
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:58,361
ARTHUR: Hurtful, and
you're missing Bruce Jenner!

314
00:12:58,403 --> 00:12:59,779
Look, don't
worry about it.

315
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,698
You'll come up
with something.
You still have--

316
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,533
2 days, Carrie!
I got 2 days!

317
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:04,909
All right, big deal.
All you have to do

318
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,828
is come up with a few
cute little jokes,
you know?

319
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,788
It's not that hard.

320
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,874
Not that--
Oh, that's right!

321
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,293
I forgot.
I'm married to
a gifted funny lady!

322
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:15,211
You know what?
Hey, you worked
the magic on my card.

323
00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:17,756
Let's see
what you can do
with this, Miss Buzzi.

324
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,511
OK, you got some very
disturbing doodles here.

325
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:24,763
Jokes, please.

326
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,931
OK, I'll come up
with somethin'.

327
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,441
What's goin' on?
The gags comin'
so fast and furious

328
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,734
you can't
write 'em down?

329
00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:38,985
You want me to get
a tape recorder?

330
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,028
Shut up!

331
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,864
OK. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

332
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,532
His name is
Les Fisker, right?

333
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:45,492
Mm-hmm.

334
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,577
OK, this is
what you say.

335
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,412
Hey, everybody...

336
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:52,582
we're here
to honor Les Fisker.

337
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:56,628
Hey, if he's Les,
I'd hate to see more!

338
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,591
I don't want
to roast him.

339
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:03,051
Come on, Deac,
it'll be fun.

340
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,970
Hey, hey, "If he's Les,
I'd hate to see more."

341
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,431
Huh? Hey,
you can have that one.

342
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,183
Look, man, I got
a family to feed.

343
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,268
I'm not in a rush
to insult my boss in public.

344
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,728
Not insult, rib.

345
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,772
And once again,
a lot of fun.

346
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,273
So why don't you
want to do it?

347
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:18,733
It's not my thing.

348
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,318
I'm not funny
in front of people
the way you are.

349
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,611
Hey, hey, my homeys,
what's up?

350
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:24,364
Deacman is
in the hizzouuuse!

351
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,704
Don't do that again.

352
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,872
Come on, man,
I'm beggin' you!

353
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,833
It ain't gonna happen,
my friend.

354
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,961
Hey. Hey, Dugan,
how about you?

355
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:39,254
Come on, you want
to give it a shot?

356
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,172
Morales, huh?
Hey, you guys
could be a team.

357
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,050
Irish, Puerto Rican,
I'm laughin' already,

358
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:47,262
and a great plea
for tolerance. Hello.

359
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,638
Hey. Psst.

360
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,515
Here comes
your boyfriend.

361
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,934
Ha ha!
Morning! Morning! Hello!

362
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:55,228
Don't mean to scare you folks
by comin' downstairs.

363
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,272
You're all doin'
a great job, great job.

364
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,315
Heh heh.
You probably heard
that Doug here

365
00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,818
is gonna be roasting me
tomorrow night.

366
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,529
If you saw
his card I put up
on the bulletin board,

367
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,156
you know Dougie--

368
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:09,826
Well, he's a--
He's one funny S.O.B., huh?

369
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,120
Well, he's gonna be
zingin' me for you folks.

370
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,622
I just wanted to say
to all of you.

371
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,334
Up yours in advance.
Huh? Huh?

372
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,252
[LAUGHS]

373
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,171
Well, that's all.
Let's get to work, people.

374
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:25,342
Let's go, go, go.
Chop chop! Come on!

375
00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:31,348
Um, Mr. Fisker?

376
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:32,891
Yeah, Doug?

377
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,393
Uh, about
the roast thing.

378
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,478
Yeah?

379
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,771
It's just that I--
I don't think--

380
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,315
I mean, I might not
be able to do it.

381
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,400
Oh? Why not?

382
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:46,529
Uh, well, you see,
I forgot that we have
a thing this weekend.

383
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,907
My wife's sister,
as it turns out,

384
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,658
is having
her roast tomorrow.

385
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,993
What?

386
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:53,370
Well, it's really
more of a wedding,

387
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:54,621
but we're probably gonna
make fun of her a little.

388
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,206
She stutters.

389
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:57,832
What's going on,
Doug?

390
00:15:57,874 --> 00:15:58,958
Do you really
have a wedding

391
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,877
or are you just
jerking my chain?

392
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,545
No, no, no.
Hey, look, if I was
gonna jerk your chain,

393
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,547
I would have done it
the other day in
the men's room, right?

394
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,299
Wa-bang!

395
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:09,844
If you don't want
to come to my banquet,
then don't come,

396
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,514
but don't make
a fool of me, Doug.

397
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:17,894
Uh, Mr. Fisker,
you know what? Thought.

398
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,772
I don't know
if I really have
to go to the wedding.

399
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,191
She's just
a half-sister.

400
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,236
Bottom line, I will
see you at the roast!

401
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,530
All right.
Good!

402
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,241
Good!

403
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,376
Hey, honey,
how ya doin'?

404
00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:44,504
I can't stop sweating.

405
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,006
Poor baby.

406
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:49,300
I put a couple
of your Maxipads
under my armpits, but...

407
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:55,098
...they--they just
soak right through.

408
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:58,184
Yeah,
that's because these
are for light days.

409
00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:01,104
I'm so nervous,
the back of my head
is actually numb.

410
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,023
Doug, everything's
gonna be OK.

411
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,941
Everyone's there
just to have some fun.

412
00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:07,444
You'll go up, you'll
do your jokes here,

413
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,611
everyone will laugh,

414
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,197
and it'll
all be over with.

415
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:11,948
You think?

416
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:13,491
Yes.
Now, come on.

417
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,744
Lay your head
right here.

418
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:19,164
It's OK.
Everything's gonna
be just fine.

419
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,583
Yes, it is.

420
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:37,057
And now, speaking
for the drivers,
Doug Heffernan.

421
00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,978
Thank you. Well, it's--

422
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:45,357
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, it certainly has been
a fun evening thus far.

423
00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:50,195
Hello, everyone.

424
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:53,823
I know that we're all
gathered here tonight
for the same reason...

425
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:55,867
the shrimp toast.

426
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,370
But seriously,

427
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,498
uh, Les, you've been here
like 20 years, right?

428
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,582
Yup, yup.

429
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,209
Wow. That's a--
That's a long time.

430
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,002
I think the reason
he's lasted so long

431
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,546
is because
he works so hard...

432
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:12,217
Or is it that
he hardly works?!

433
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:16,554
My God,
that's generic.

434
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,518
Seriously, again,
Les has done a great job
here at IPS.

435
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:25,105
He's gotten the whole place
running like clockwork...

436
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,942
if that clock was built
by a crazed wino!

437
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,569
[CHUCKLING]

438
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:36,366
No, no, really, Les
has personally introduced

439
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:39,035
some great innovations
at IPS,

440
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:41,246
the 3-hour lunch,
and of course,

441
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,374
his bring your underage
girlfriend to work day.

442
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:46,209
[LAUGHING]

443
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:50,255
But all jokin' aside,
it was Les' idea

444
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,215
for guaranteed
overnight delivery

445
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:54,384
and to start a late-night
pick-up service.

446
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:57,929
Oh, and speaking of
late-night pick-ups,

447
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,973
how about his wife Alana?!

448
00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:01,516
[LAUGHING]

449
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:03,143
Ohh!

450
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:05,603
Ah, heh heh. Heh.

451
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,232
Yeah, isn't she a great gal?

452
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:12,277
I don't--I don't want
to say Alana is easy,

453
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,571
but she gives a whole
new meaning to the phrase,

454
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,406
please form an orderly line.

455
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:17,615
[LAUGHING]

456
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,617
Are you with me?

457
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:23,621
I'm kiddin'. You know
I love you, Alana...

458
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,623
Later, in my truck.

459
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,546
Let me ask you this, folks,

460
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:35,008
you guys know actually
how many people work at IPS?

461
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,552
Huh? Anybody know?
It's one out of 4.

462
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,137
[LAUGHTER]

463
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,639
Hey, did every table
get a number 2 pencil?

464
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,309
I'm kiddin' around, Red.

465
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:47,270
Nice hair, sir, does that
come with a chin strap? Okay...

466
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:50,690
Loved you in <i>Cocoon.</i>
All right.

467
00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:54,069
42 years of wedded bliss.

468
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,155
Let's hear it for 'em, folks.
Let's hear it for 'em.

469
00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:01,951
The Deucemans. The Deucemans.

470
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:05,038
[ANIMALISTIC VOCALIZING]

471
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,081
And, uh...

472
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,041
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

473
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:10,919
Leave it there!
That's what I'm talkin' about!

474
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,254
[LAUGHTER]

475
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:15,840
Oh. Oh! Ah!

476
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,093
Oh, gosh,
this has been great, folks.

477
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,386
But you know,
let's not forget

478
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:20,970
what this night
is truly about.

479
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,348
Les Fisker, huh?
[APPLAUSE]

480
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,141
One lucky man,
right there. You are.

481
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:26,768
You're lucky enough
to have a banquet.

482
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,395
I'll tell you what you're
not lucky enough to have

483
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:31,314
is a bladder that empties
in under 20 minutes.

484
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:34,984
I lost a vacation day
waitin' for this guy to finish.

485
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,653
[SILENCE]

486
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:39,531
I mean it, man,
maybe you ought to
pull into a Jiffy Lube

487
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,575
and have 'em put you up
on the rack, you know?

488
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,285
[ONLY DOUG LAUGHING]

489
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,787
Seriously, you know?

490
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,163
Doug.
Yeah?

491
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:49,791
Les had his prostate
removed.

492
00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:53,044
What?
Cancer.

493
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,340
Cancer, huh?

494
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,967
Ah...

495
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:01,594
Boy, that cancer's wild,
isn't it?

496
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:28,246
All right, let's see
what we got here.

497
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,330
[CLEARS THROAT]

498
00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:30,999
"Dear Mr. Fisker,

499
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:34,461
"thank you again for
being such a good sport
about the roast.

500
00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:36,588
"As you said, what kind
of world would it be

501
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:38,506
"if we couldn't laugh
at ourselves.

502
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,175
"By the way,
working the night shift

503
00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:44,137
has turned out to be
a nice change of pace
after all."

504
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:48,808
It needs a joke.

505
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:55,648
[**]